Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Hello again my noonday demon.

When setbacks hit me, they hit me hard. Nothing major has happened, just a collection of small annoiyances and worries that have escalated into a big pit of darkness. I will pick myself up tomorrow but for now let me wallow in peace. I have noticed my tolerance for stress is much lower than the average non-depressed person's. That's why I'm here now: under the duvet on the couch in the flat Skywalker shares with his father drinking cider to drown my sorrows. My shift was cancelled for today and I'm glad. I had my weekly group therapy session and this unveiled all the stress and worry I had burried underneath. I cried for a good hour and even had a fight with Skywalker which I am not proud of at all and now I am exhausted physically and mentally. I don't even have the concentration of watching tv. I have not been like this for a while. Even my doctor suggested lowering my antidepressant dosage recently. If she saw me now she would probably change her mind. So what is wrong you ask?

Constant worry about money and paying the rent.
Exhausting day job I do not enjoy i.e hospitality and waitressing
My mobile nail technician business hasn't set off as I would have liked and I don't have the money to advertise it at the moment.
I don't have the time or money for hobbies or enjoyable activities.
All my efforts to make more money and get out of my situation seem to fail.

Here's some examples of the latter. I joined The Body Shop at Home in hopes of earning more money doing parties and direct selling. It turns out I'm not a sales person. I get calls every other day by my manager asking why I haven't filled my sales quota. Of course they don't tell you about the sales quota when you join. They just concentrate how flexible they allow you to be. My ass. I have a day job and an acting career to consider. I don't have time to make the sales some of the other people do and I'm made to feel inadequate that I'm not reaching this quota. Also an interesting fashion internship I applied for turns out to be an unpaid position and although I love fashion and would love a job in it, I'm not sure I have the time and money to commit to that at this moment in my life.

To top it all of Google adsense disabled my account because of invalid click activity. I have not been clicking my own adds or violating the terms and conditions and I hear this is a lifetime ban. Oh joy. That was the final straw that broke the camel's back. The world seems cold and harsh today and I'm dreading going to work tomorrow. There are not enough hours in the day to complete my to do-list.

I will be fine. I have gone through this many times. I don't need pep talk or cliched phares about silver linings. I need some respite and improvement in my life. It's a good thing Finns are resilient and persistent. Tomorrow I will have the energy to wrestle my demon back into his cage but he has won todays battle. See you when the thunder clears.

1 comment:

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